I've Been Away...You'll see why...

Okay everyone…it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, but I needed to take a break to deal with everything that was going on in my life…

This is the most personal entry I’ve ever done…so be prepared. I have to go back in time to give you a complete overview of where I’m at mentally, and what has happened recently. I am not sure that I want everyone to know my innermost thoughts, fears, and sense of betrayal…but the truth may set me free…

I moved back to this hellhole after living in NY to finish school, and after a brief trip to Florida. I moved to Florida to prepare myself for South Beach, my next residence destination…I was living in Boca Raton (don’t get me started). After living in Boca for 2 weeks, I received a call from my mother. Her cancer was back, a mastectomy had already been performed, and she needed me immediately to take care of her.

I was on a plane before I could blink. My significant other was going to move when he could.

When I arrived, I took care of my mom, dealing with all of the emotional issues that ensued from the ordeal. It was draining, but I had some support when John arrived from Florida.

According to my mother, her cancer had spread and she received a rare infection from unclean surgical tools (she said that it was a hearty variant of staph).

She went through chemo, rib strengthening treatments and other assorted procedures to help her stay alive. This was agonizing…so much so that it strained the relationship with John…we broke up, but I was there for my mom; that was the most important thing.

She went through these treatments for 5 long years. After John and I split, I didn’t date for a long time. A couple of years later, I met someone else, and we dated for over two years. My mom’s illness put a strain on our relationship, due to the fact that he had a hard time relating to what was going on in my life, in regard to her sickness. No one in his family had ever been terminally ill, which my mother had reminded me of numerous times.

Each time that she told me that her cancer had spread and was getting worse, I didn’t eat, sleep or interact with humanity on a good level. I was a mess…multiple times, and through all of this, I would cry on my ex’s shoulder (he was good about that).

Throughout all of this, I felt guilty, for hating that fact that I had to remain in this city (which I detest) and wanting to leave, even though my mom needed me. The guilt would sit like a lump of iron in my stomach, and I would relentlessly punish myself mentally for my selfishness.

Then there were the times she had to travel out of the city to a medical university to have her infection drained so that she would be able to move her arm. The university would test the draining to see the count of the infection and send samples all across the country for study.

Then there were the procedures to strengthen her ribs, which were crumbling due to the heavy amount of chemo she was going through. She told me that the doctors used a curved syringe that would coat her ribs with an adhesive form of silicon. My mother would often tell me about how gruelingly painful these procedures were, mentally and physically.

By the way, throughout all of this, my mother didn’t have insurance…My mother’s boss, who will achieve sainthood, had foot the entire costs for her medical bills through these hard five years. He’s one of the most generous people I have met. I was so thankful for his generous contributions, which had to have totaled a cool, half-million to keep my mom alive.

My mom’s cancer inflamed like a wildfire two years ago, and she has been fighting a good fight. Her chemotherapy has been kicking her butt around, but she still battles on. She was my hero; the strongest person I had ever met; someone who fought so hard to survive, that I could have only a shred of her strength and will, if I ever had to go through what she has gone through.

She has been hospitalized twice…the first was terrifying, because her tumors appeared as angry, scorching bulbs across her chest wall. I thought for sure that I was going to lose her. I had to deal with the fact that I was going to lose my best friend on earth, in my mind, my soul-sister.

After her stay in the hospital, which luckily she qualified for ACCESS (and therefore didn’t have to pay for the stay), she got better….not wholly well, but a hell of a lot better. She was still on chemo, and would be for the remainder of her life (straight from the doctor’s mouth).

After a particularly nasty bout of chemo, my mother was hospitalized again. It was a clean room environment, due to the fact that the chemicals she was given to combat the cancer had destroyed all of the white cells in her body. She had no immune system. Visits required the mask, gown and gloves, and when I would leave the hospital, I would cry from the fact that I couldn’t touch her before leaving. I saw the doctor one day, and spoke with him personally.

I was concerned about my mom’s bone density with the chemo that she was taking so I inquired how the procedure on her ribs was holding up. The doc looked at me like I had just explained a voodoo ritual to him. He told me that there is no such procedure…

I was perplexed…surely he was mistaken; there was too a procedure like that. My mom had it 3 or 4 times. He assured me that there was no such procedure and if there was, it would definitely show up under a chest x-ray (which my mother had to have had 7 or 8 within the last 2 yrs).

My mom’s roommate provided me with some information that made everything click…
My mother is a gambling addict.
She is very sick, and from what I found out….
I became sickened with how far reaching the affects were felt.

I found out that my mother was not sick for those 5 years after her mastectomy. She was in remission. She created additional illnesses, and she used that money to gamble away. Everything she told me over those 5 years was a lie, she was taking her bosses money and gambling like a mad woman. It made me want to throw up.

She had borrowed money from her friends to cover procedures that didn’t exist. She had been given money from my friends who I brought over to meet my mom, and eventually a tight relationship was formed. My heart broke…

I was in a city I hated, and tortured myself with guilt…over her lie. I had not slept, eaten, or been as happy as I could have been…over her lie…

Then I realized how my mom had soaked the man who was watching out for her health. He had to have been taken for $300,000 (at least). My heart broke for him, and it still does. It still does…

I have talked to my mom about this, protecting those that gave me information on the problems my mom is facing. She denied everything, and tried to turn it back on me, saying that she can’t believe that I don’t trust her. She says that she doesn’t have the will to live any longer, because I have broken her heart more than she thought was possible. Because of me, she wants to give up treatment and die…because I don’t love and trust her word.

I will write more later about how I reacted to her knives of guilt…

I want all of you to know, that if you’ve tried emailing or calling and I haven’t called you back, this is the reason why…

I’ve lost my best friend, and I don’t know if she’ll ever be back.