Brokeback Mountain, It's Australian for G'Bye, Mate - or the Bane of My Existence

So the Australian is out...
Congratulations, you're out of the running to become Deutshmarc's Next Top Hottie...

Basically, it all came down to Brokeback Mountain, the new bane of my gay existence. If you haven't seen it or heard about it...let me detail it for you:

The movie is about 2 cowpokes who meet in 1963 and have a relationship that spans from their early 20's to about mid 40's (maybe 50's). They live hetero lives, but hook up in big sky country every year to reaffirm their love for one another. They never get together in a gay relationship due to the social pressures. One is murdered and the other pines away for his lost lover.

It's billed as a "Great American Love Story." It is NOT A LOVE STORY... it is a tragedy about love, and it is skewing the voice of the gay community in my area.

My friend Seth has been bummed for over 2 weeks now, thinking that he is going to die alone, and I've heard the same sentiments reverberating through the community.

All I can say is that IT IS NOT 1963; WE DON'T LIVE IN BIG SKY COUNTRY; WE CAN SPEAK THE NAME OF THE LOVE YOU DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME; WE ARE NOT COWBOYS HERDING SHEEP IN THE SUMMERS ON BROKEBACK F' N MOUNTAIN, FOR THE MOST PART.

Okay, now that I've said my piece...Australian guy comes over way too early for my taste on Saturday night.

He has shaved his chest smooth, so no pectoral cacti for me, but of course, he couldn't shave his face (or his back for that matter), so I ended up with red face after every makeout session.

After we had "wrestled" twice, he became introspective and turned to me saying, "Deutshmarc, I really like you. I want you to be a part of my life. I hope I'm not moving to fast (HELLO, we've gotten together 3 times...that's fast if you ask me), but that movie Brokeback Mountain has really gotten into my head."

I sat there, in bed, mouth open in shock...He just didn't pull the Brokeback Mountain card, did he?

He continued, "After seeing that movie, I realize that you need to go for what you want in life, and I want you to be a part of mine."

Okay, I was flattered a little, and a little weirded out, but hey, being outside of my comfort zone is a good thing. Usually I dated emotionally unavailable guys...

I told him that I like to take things slow and see where things are going. He agreed with my perspective and we wrestled again.

Then he droned on about Brokeback again... I couldn't handle it, so I tried to pull the ole "Holy crap, it's my friend's birthday party and I forgot all about it." I called and texted a couple of friends to try to have them get me out of this situation before I lost it. IT'S A MOVIE for f*&^ks sake.

Needless to say, my friends weren't my wingmen that night, although I do have to give props to Seth, who did call me back 2 hours later (He was in a movie).

So I had to settle in and spend the night with the Australian Groper. I said goodnight and was immediately crushed into the spoon position. I fell asleep (it's amazing one can do that when needles aren't poking in one's back), only to be awakened an hour later to gropie grope groperson, wanting to wrassle again. Fine...I can handle round 3 or 4 whatever.

Go back to sleep, only to be pawed again. I was through...I was tired and getting cranky

This happened about 2 more times throughout the long night...and I almost went for the knife in the kitchen...

Luckily, I forgot to turn off my alarm, so it went off bright and early on Sunday morning (6:30 to be exact). I jumped out of bed with a vigor that only freedom, and turning out a trick can provide. He looked at me and asked, "Why do you have your alarm set so early on a Sunday."

I was brilliantly quick, "Because every Sunday I work out with a friend of mine, so I have to pop in the shower and get ready to go." Mind you, I don't work out at all (other than the vanity pushups before going out to the bar), so this was a stretch in the old wardrobe department. I pulled on some nylon track pants and a t-shirt.

Aussie looked at my shoes (Kenneth Cole slide on black loafers) and asked, "You're not going to work out in those are you?"

"No," with a chuckle, "I left my shoes in the back of my friend's car."

Long story short, went to Starbuck's after he left, called Stef and proceeded to bitch to her about how Brokeback is going to be the bane of my existence. She was shocked that I was up that early on a Sunday...She figured it was one of the signs of the apocolypse.

Take the message from fictional movies, but don't let them cripple your lives or lower your standards.

Love DM